Two Weeks Until Venus de Miles

Exactly two weeks from today, I will be well on my way in the Venus de Miles ride. Today, however, I am taking my first day of complete rest since July 8 (that's 34 days, if anyone's keeping track), and I have to say, it feels great to do nothing. I think I almost forgot what it is like to know that nothing needs to be accomplished today (well, at least as far as working out is concerned). I am taking this day to plan out the next two weeks of training and exercise though, because I don't want to wear myself out right before the ride, nor do I want to be lacking in energy. Still, I got a late start in training, so I need to find time to get in some long rides, and I still plan on doing kickboxing belt testing this month as well. Unfortunately, that testing falls the day right before the ride, so I'll need to figure out how that factors in to training for the next couple of weeks.

Find the fatty in the photo... Riding the Venus de Miles in 2010

For some reason, I have a lot of anxiety before this ride. There are so many things that run through my head. My biggest concern is always my hands. I know they are always the first thing to give out simply because of injuries to them, and I know that I will have to stop frequently if I intend to make it the 51 miles. I've never rode 51 miles in a single ride, and it's scary to think that I may not make it to the end. My second concern is in regard to climbing in the mountains. I don't climb (certainly not well anyway), although I have pretty much put my mind at ease about this by reassuring myself that I can either walk if necessary, or simply pedal very slowly. It's not the end of the world though if I have to get off and walk.

Find the fatty #2... Riding Venus de Miles 2011

Another worry is one that is complete vanity. Every year I end up being in some kind(s) of photo(s) (either one that Sam takes, or that one of the course photographers snaps, or a combo thereof), and I hate it (I'm not even sure why I'm putting them up here, other than I hope to be able to look back at them one day and know that I'm no longer that person). I know I'm fat - well aware of this fact - but I think seeing photos of me on my bike (something that I love) and realizing just how horrible I look riding, makes me miserable. Every year when I see the photos I swear to myself that I'm never getting back on a bicycle (of course, this lasts about a day, and then wears off as I love my bikes far too much). Admittedly, I spend a good chunk of an hour (at least) crying about how bad I look after seeing the pictures... No one should look like they are going to crush the bike they're riding.

Oh yes, they get worse... this one is about 15 miles into the ride (I was already tired)
*Image from Sullivan Studios

I always know that I'm the biggest rider out there, and I guess in some ways, I've just come to accept that it is what it is. However, I've also come to the realization that it doesn't matter what I look like. I'm not doing the ride for a photo, and I shouldn't be depressed about seeing these images of myself riding. I know that I'm doing everything in my power to improve my physical well-being, and while it may not show in photographs just yet, I should be proud of all that I'm doing to improve me. So, to my future self, in two weeks time, when you're finding the photos that have been taken of you, remember that you work hard - every damn day - and you are worth continuing to fight for, regardless of how you feel about seeing yourself in pictures. Ride strong sister! I can't wait to see that you actually finished the ride.

Physical Break Down

I have had many days over the last several months during which I was simply exhausted. When one goes from doing nearly nothing to the polar opposite of the spectrum, sometimes ones' body decides to rebel. On the days this has occurred in the past, I've been able to refuel and force myself into continuing on. Today, my body's rebellion won out over my stubborn will. I woke up at about 6:15a to start preparing myself for kickboxing and the subsequent long bike ride. I went through the normal morning rituals and I could tell that my body wasn't happy. I was limping, my back was sore, and above all I was simply exhausted.  "Just push through it," I told myself, as I do each time I wake up with these feelings of stiffness, soreness, and exhaustion. Normally, it does the trick.

*Image found here

It worked well enough to get me to class. I pulled my bicycle up to the door just as they were getting started. But, as I got into the workout, I just couldn't seem to make myself move. I could tell I was half way completing each task, and the harder I tried to push myself, the more difficult it became to do anything. Honestly, I felt dead, and it was quite bothersome. I know everyone needs a day off, and that rest and recovery are extremely important, but I'm normally able to push through the week until a day off over the weekend. About 15 minutes into the 50 minute class, the instructor told us all to grab a quick drink and we'd get back to it. I did not get a drink, but instead sat on the edge of my bag. I put my head in my hands and asked myself silently what in the world I was doing in class.

The instructor took notice of my behavior and came over to check on me. "Are you okay?" she asked. All I could do was say, "No, I'm really not," as I started to cry. I stood up and continued, "I'll be fine. I'm just extremely worn out." She nodded a bit and said, "I can tell... you're just not yourself today." She was able to modify a few things for me so that I could make it through the rest of the workout, but I knew that there was no way I was going to make it through a long bike ride after my inability to make it through a 50 minute class. We chatted briefly about getting in proper amounts of carbs and proteins, and I returned home to attempt to refuel myself.

When I got back, I was looking through my journal of activity and came to the realization that despite the fact that I say I'm going to allow myself a day off to rest, I apparently haven't been taking it. The last complete day off from working out I have had was on July 8! That's insane. No wonder my body was uncooperative. This is always one of my biggest fears for myself... I am either on or off, and the in between place just doesn't seem to exist for me. The problem is that it turns in to burn out and then I completely give up because I'm simply exhausted. I definitely don't want that to happen. So, I have to figure out how I'm going to get everything in, not exhaust myself completely, and still find balance. I'm not sure that's possible, so perhaps something is going to have to give.  I know the upcoming ride in a couple of weeks is adding to the pressure of working out, but if I'm so tired I can't do anything, it won't be of benefit anyway.

In the mean time, I am resting for the remainder of today... and who knows? Tomorrow may end up being that day off I've obviously been in need of for quite some time.

Miscellaneous Thoughts: Winning/Losing Battles

Although I have yet to mention it here in this space, boot camp training came to an end at the beginning of this week. The month long adventure into intense outdoor workouts at local parks was fun, but I was definitely ready to return to the kickboxing studio. I discovered that I am, without a doubt, the least in-shape person in the class (or at least who showed up to the workouts), and confirmed my knowledge that I am definitely not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I also learned that I am so fortunate to have an incredibly supportive group of people around me, who constantly motivate me to keep going, try harder, and to never give up on my goals. Even though I am definitely the slowest individual (physically, not mentally - I swear!) I can say that I attended every single boot camp during the month... and as a reward, I received an embroidered hand towel with my name and the studio name on it. I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The usefulness of the prize did not go unnoticed, particularly as I seem to be the one who is constantly dripping with sweat.  For a person who typically runs colder than average, it's amazing the buckets that pour out of me during class.

*Image found here

On the cycling front, I have been recovering from last weeks' attempts to get in longer rides before my big ride with Venus de Miles at the end of the month. Unfortunately, the wrist damage from those rides last week has been more intense than I would've liked and it's prevented me from getting in long rides since Saturday. The doubts about my ability to do the 51 miles at this point continue on. Part of me thinks that I just need to get in what I can and go for it anyway just to see if I can make it happen. The other part of me thinks it's quite stupid on my part to attempt something that I likely won't be able to finish, and that it would make more sense to opt for the shorter 33 mile ride that doesn't go into the mountains. I suppose I will have to make a judgement call when the time arrives, but until then, I still plan on doing my best to get some time and distance in the saddle.

Last night, Sam and I had a discussion about my mental state and what I'm focused on at this moment in time. As a whole, I find that I am better off when my energy goes into kickboxing goals, cycling, and the like. When I focus too much on losing weight, it becomes so easy to get distracted and/or depressed at the rate of loss. While the overall numbers don't seem so bad, I know that a large chunk of it came off in the first few weeks, making the average for each month much lower than it should be, in my opinion. However, when I think about the past and how I've attempted to lose weight by dropping calories so significantly that I could barely function as a human, I realize that I am so much better off allowing myself a larger amount of calories and just working my butt off. I'd rather have the energy to do all the activities I want to do, see it come off slower, and know that I can do this for life, rather than see it drop off over night, but never be able to participate in anything.

Pain, Training & Motivation

I recently decided to move forward with participating in the Venus de Miles ride that takes place in New Town Prospect, Colorado. I've done this ride the last couple of years and decided on the shortest route (33 miles) for each of those. Both years I have struggled with making it to the finish line due to hand/wrist issues, but for some odd reason, this year I apparently thought it would be a great idea to do a longer route (51 miles). While the distance in itself will be a huge, huge challenge for me because of the hand problems, it also has a portion that climbs into the mountains. If I haven't mentioned it prior, I am not a hill climber on my bike by any stretch of the imagination. I will go to great lengths to avoid hills that I don't like, even making the ride miles longer.

*Image found here
Not looking forward to climbing any portion of these - at all

In an attempt to get myself used to being in the saddle and more importantly on the handlebars for many hours, I've been trying to get in some longer rides. One ride I typically will set a distance and do that mileage, no matter how long it takes me. On another, I'll set a time goal and know that no matter how far I go, I have to stay on the bike for that length of time. Then, the other rides I try to do something in between the two. It all comes out about the same generally, but I think it's a mind game for myself. If I know I only have to go "x" distance, if I pedal faster, I can get through it quicker... or at least that's what I say as I'm trying to motivate my legs to cooperate.

Today, was a "time" ride. I had gone to my kickboxing boot camp for an hour before the ride, and then decided that a two hour cycle-fest would be fair. Considering I will probably be in the saddle for about 6-7 hours when I do the ride, it's not even a third of what is coming for me in just a few weeks. The short of this story is that I was amazed at how badly I struggled with this ride. At about 45 minutes into the ride, my hands began going numb and my wrists were aching. While I did end up finishing the time (though I had to stop a couple of times for a few minutes just to stretch), I am beginning to doubt myself and my ability to actually carry through with this goal.

I've started to ask, "What is motivating me to do this ride?" I'm asking this question because I fear that on the day of the ride, I will simply want to give up when it gets tough and call it a day. It's difficult to be in pain and keep moving forward. I know I'll have to decide if it's pain I can live through, or if it's the kind of pain where I really should stop before I get hurt even worse. While I try to figure out the answer to my own question, I continue to train, and hopefully, the motivation will find me before the day of the ride.

Test Time {Yes, Again}

Tomorrow, I test again for my next level belt in kickboxing. If it seems incredibly fast it is because, well, it was fast.  I have been on a mission to get enough classes in time to test in July. It probably seems more than a little odd that the person who just a month ago was stating that I wasn't going to test and was almost arguing with the instructor about taking the test, is now fighting to get to the next level... but that's the sort of wacky person I am, I suppose. Over the last 19 days (of which, the studio was closed for 4 of those), I have attended 22 classes (so, really in 15 days). I share this not to brag or because I think I'm super awesome (okay, maybe I think I'm a little bit awesome), but because I kind of need to see it in black and white for myself because I'm having a difficult time understanding how I've managed to get this done, let alone function as a human on a daily basis.

I have enjoyed the mission of getting to the next level in a short period of time, and honestly, I intend to keep at it to see how many classes I can complete in four weeks time. I am definitely motivated by short-term, easy-to-see, but not-so-easy-to-do kinds of challenges, so perhaps this is a good way to keep me moving forward... or, perhaps I will kill myself trying to keep up a pace that is probably a bit much over the long term. Either way, we shall see what happens, but in the mean time, I'm just trying to take it all day by day and enjoy the small rewards.

Running {Errr... Jogging}

For someone who ran a marathon not too many years ago, I have been struggling immensely with running/jogging these days. Mind you, for the last couple of years, I haven't run very often, and over the last 6-9 months I would say that my jogging has been extremely minimal - really, non-existent. When I was training for the marathon, I was on a mission. I was determined to run, and to finish a pretty big goal, but after it was over, the running/jogging slowly went out of the routine. Part of it was people (doctors and other experts) scaring me out of it. The reminders of how large I am and how I could be creating unnecessary strain or even injuries to my legs/knees wasn't helping matters. I had pretty much decided that walking, elliptical machines and bicycles would take over for the cardio portion of working out. The problem came in to play when I realized that I had nothing to be working towards. No one does elliptical races or elliptical distance trials (or maybe they do, but I've just not heard of them).

When I picked up kickboxing in March of this year, I allowed that to become my main source of exercise (except for biking). The problem with that is that while there is definitely a lot of sweat and heart pounding action taking place, I don't ever really get to work on sustained aerobic activity. Exercises are done in fairly short segments and are done more for intensity than anything else. It's not surprising then that when boot camps started a couple of weeks ago and I was expected to run, I really couldn't do it.

"Man am I out of shape!" I keep uttering to myself as I attempt (and subsequently fail) to keep up with the others. "How is this possible?" I know very well how it's possible as has been outlined above, but I suppose I figured that somehow my ability to sustain some kind of kickboxing work out would spread to running... Yeah, I'm not horribly bright. It doesn't help that every few feet we have to stop running and do lunges, jumping jacks, or some other exercise, which only slows me down more. I have considered the fact that maybe I'm trying to fight a battle I just can't win. I wasn't a fast runner even when training, so perhaps I'm expecting too much?

There are plenty of running plans out there I could be doing, but I suppose most of it has to do with time. What am I willing to give up in order to be able to run again, or do I even care that I can't run? I suppose that is the biggest question. Part of me thinks that perhaps I will find motivation to run again when I drop a bit more weight, while the other part of me thinks that it could help me if I'd get back into it and I just spent more time now running. The biggest obstacle for me is that I never really enjoyed running - it was just a challenge for me to try to complete a marathon, and if I'm not enjoying it, that means I won't really stick with it for the long term... and isn't it more important that I find something I can sustain, rather than feeling like a failure for not currently running?

New Day Resolutions

I have never been a person who has participated willingly in New Year's resolutions. While the new year is a convenient time to start fresh (and thus, I believe, the reason so many of us want to make resolutions in January), I have found that I do far better setting attainable, realistic goals throughout the year. This statement takes it to a new level though. When I think about it though, it makes sense. Shouldn't I be setting out to achieve something every day? It helps keep every day fresh and interesting, rather than feeling as though there is a certain time of year or month that goals should be set. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something that is a resolution for the day. Love it.

In other news, I have been shocked and amazed over the last six mornings to discover that I have lost something every morning. After several long weeks (months really) of fighting with the same few pounds, it's been a nice change to see the scale dropping (slowly, but dropping) every day. Perhaps my body has finally given in and decided to cooperate, or maybe it's just temporary, but regardless, I'm enjoying and taking what I can get. No complaints out of me, certainly.

My goal to test again this month in kickboxing is moving along swimmingly. I need four more classes (easily attainable before next Saturday) and I'll have made it to that goal. The one thing I'm really kicking myself about at the moment is that I went to so many classes (more than twice what I needed) before I tested for my last belt, which means that really I'm a belt behind. I have considered pleading with the instructor to allow me to test for both at the same time, but then I think that I did it to myself, and have no one to blame, so I should simply let it go and learn a lesson about being stubborn. Time will tell, but honestly, I'll be happy simply to have achieved this goal.

Grateful

It's not easy to lose weight. Many have said it and experienced it, but never in my life have I believed it more than now. While I'm not suffering (well, at times I am in pain - but it's good pain), I know that I work very hard every day in an attempt to transform myself. On occasion, I find myself whining more than I would prefer about said topic, and while I cannot promise that it will come to a halt completely, I wanted to take a moment simply to be thankful for what I do have and the things that I am seeing transform.

*Image found here

The other day, Sam and I were talking about some individuals who have lost limbs and are competing in olympic events. One man has lost both his left arm and leg, and yet he races on a bicycle. It's quite incredible, and when I see this I can't help but think that I have absolutely no reason not to achieve what I set out to do, nor to complain about a bit of pain after working out. I am seeing progress in the things I am able to do, even if I don't have a shrinking waist line. I am getting stronger - which is my number one goal.

Today, I am taking a moment to be grateful... grateful that I can work out to the point of exhaustion, grateful that I am strong, grateful that I have a supportive partner in life, and grateful simply for every moment of life.

A Change in Routine

The kickboxing class I attend is currently in the middle of a schedule shake up due to sharing of studio space with a karate/tae kwon do class. For the next month, we are taking to the local parks two days a week for a boot camp class instead of attempting to share the studio with the other classes. I was actually excited to be able to get out of the indoor environment and see the kinds of things that anyone can do without equipment.  Here is what I've learned thus far:

The Good
It is awesome to have the opportunity to be outside. Although I'm already aware of this from riding my bike, it's been fun to experience the parks in a different way. The classes are happening early enough to keep the days' heat from killing us all, and I honestly feel as though I'm working my muscles harder (mostly because the ground is uneven, and I'm not a horribly coordinated individual) than if I were in the studio (despite the fact that I do miss the bags on these days). I've learned that there really is no excuse not to do something, even when away from home, but I also know that having someone there to push me is a great motivator.

The Bad
For me, I always feel like the weak link in the bunch. In my mind, I think there's no reason I can't keep up with everyone else, but then reality sets in and I realize how much the extra lbs slow me down. While I know that I'm doing all I can and pushing myself, it's incredibly frustrating to know that I am always last and there isn't anything I can do about it. I feel bad for the individual who ends up getting stuck with me as a partner because I know that I am dragging them down when we're doing paired up activities.

The Ugly
I leave looking like quite a mess. Because the classes are taking place just after (or during) the grass sprinklers routine watering, it is a muddy mess, and because much of the work involves getting on the ground, I leave looking as though I was just involved in a mud wrestling bout. I'm also allergic to grass, so I end up wheezing most of the time and scratching like some kind of diseased individual. It isn't pretty.

Overall, I am enjoying the short term change. Doing things like lunges across a field and dangling our feet on swings while we do push-ups is an interesting switch up, and even if I'm not the most capable in the class, I have to remind myself that I'm doing my best and some day I'll be able to (hopefully) keep up with the rest of the group.

Losing Weight on Vacation

Our intended two week vacation turned into a much shorter round than anticipated, and we ended up being gone a total of 7 days. I was actually pleased to be returning earlier than we'd thought because I knew it would allow me to get back in to my routine of working out multiple times a day and eating better. Oh, the eating! Why does everyone seem to want to feed us on vacation? Every stop we make seems to include a meal, and rarely does it include options that offer anything remotely low in calories.

What I cannot seem to figure out is that every time I go on vacation, I lose weight. It's perplexing to say the least because on most vacations, I don't work out (or, it's extremely limited), and I'm eating high sodium, high calorie items for most meals, and very seldom getting the water intake that I need, yet somehow, weight comes off. This has happened for years, regardless of how well I was eating before leaving on a trip. I've tried to factor in that there is usually a bit of walking around to touristy sorts of locations, but surely it's not burning as many calories as intense cardio/weight workouts?

If we go on the premise that in order to lose 1 pound an individual must restrict/burn 3,500 calories, I would have had to have burned 7,000 extra calories in the 7 days away in order to drop the two pounds I lost. I have to admit that I was not great about logging calories while on vacation simply because I have no idea what is in many of the foods, how they are cooked, how much oil, etc is being used, but I can take a good guess that calories are definitely more than I would normally eat, and most certainly consist of foods that I consider to be once-in-a-great-while type of items. When I punch in my guesses for the foods and their preparation, this is how calories show:

Day 1: 2,199 calories
Day 2: 2,891 calories
Day 3: 2,044 calories
Day 4: 1,773 calories
Day 5: 1,742 calories
Day 6: 2,134 calories
Day 7: 2,204 calories
Total for week: 14,987
Average daily: 2,141

I should mention that we did specifically set out to work out a few times while we were gone. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday (days 2, 4, 6), we did a 30-40 minute circuit work out to attempt to counter act some of the food madness that was taking place. Although the calories consumed don't seem that outrageous considering I ate very few meals in a controlled environment, it's still more than I would consume normally when I am working out daily...about 400 calories more on average a day. This may not seem like much, but considering the drop in working out, it is significant. I also felt incredibly bloated upon return, so despite the fact that I lost weight, I was not feeling tops about myself.

Trying to determine why I lost at all, leaves me scratching my head. First of all, I did, oh, about 1/8 of the normal work outs I would get in during a typical week (not even including riding my bike). I did attempt to make some reasonable choices much of the time, but even when choosing a gardenburger over some meat alternative (which I would normally do anyway since I'm not a cow-eater), I still ate french fries, potato chips, or onion rings with it, only adding to the fat/calories.

I do have theories though as to how/why this happened.
1) This is all a fluke. The fact that it is only a 1 week time period makes it difficult to say certainly what happens during this short time away. Perhaps if I continued to eat like this, I would ultimately end up gaining.
2) My body really does need more calories in order to lose weight - even more than what I thought initially. I was working out far less than normal and eating more, yet somehow I dropped 2 lbs (for the record, this loss was not just restricted to me, as Sam also dropped 1.5 lbs).
3) I'm burning more calories than I think on vacation. The fact that while on vacation we tend to walk around and see things more than we would at home could be helping to keep the extra calories from adding up to extra pounds.
4) Like many other times when I seem to randomly drop pounds, there is some mysterious combination of activity and food taking place.
5) Lacking the normal stresses of everyday life, my body finally relaxes and just does what it needs to do. I wasn't focused on or stressed about what or when I was going to eat, it just happened organically.

My problem with this being a complete fluke is that it happens every time we go on vacation. I joke about it when we're getting ready to leave by stating that I'm excited to go because I know I will eat poorly and lose weight. While it is a joke, it does happen every...single... time. Insanity, I know. I also don't think I'm burning more calories while on vacation because while we do walk around to see things, it is leisurely and typically isn't all day long. This leaves three options, but while I do think it's all quite mysterious, I don't actually believe that there is something magical or mysterious happening - I just don't happen to understand what it is that's going on.

Now down to two options (I need more calories, and vacation gets rid of excess stress), I actually think it's a combination of these two remaining theories. One of the things that benefits me while on vacation is that I'm not a snacker, so every time others want to stop and get a nibble of something, I decline (not because I think I'm being holier than anyone else, but I genuinely am not a snacker and never have been). This is potentially eliminating several unnecessary calories. In addition, if I am offered dessert, I take it politely, but I eat just a few bites. I also try not to eat unless I'm genuinely hungry. Sometimes, this means skipping a meal (which I would normally recommend against), but because I know I'm consuming more than normal, it seems like a bad idea to eat when I'm not hungry. I also don't think about or obsess over what I'm eating. If I can make a smarter choice, I will (because I want this to be a life change, not a temporary change), but I also don't want to deprive myself of something I'd like to try because I don't know how many calories are in it. I have been there and done that in the past and it doesn't help. Ultimately, I will give in and it will be far worse than just having a single meal or a few bites of something "bad."

Although I still don't seem to completely understand what takes place during vacation that causes weight loss, I am going to accept it and get back to the normal routine because even though I was fortunate to not come home to a weight gain, I very much missed my regular workouts and feeling good.