What Does an Athlete Look Like?

Tomorrow will be the fourth month in a row that I'm testing in kickboxing. There are those who think that I shouldn't be testing this quickly (myself included, at times) between belts, but I have to admit that the challenge of doing so definitely keeps me motivated, and striving to become a better me. At some point, this will no longer be possible as I will need too many classes to test each month, but in the meantime, I find myself debating whether or not it's a worthwhile cause to continue to do the tests each month for as long as I can. As I have mentally debated this over the past several weeks, I've often thought that there is no real reason for me to be pushing myself like this. What is it that's spurring me to action, exactly?

As I've been pondering this very idea, Sam brought to my attention something that I found odd, but intriguing. We were discussing the hang up that I have about the "6 month time frame" with losing weight and working out. I'm always fearful during the 6-8 month marker because in the past (as I've mentioned before) it is the point at which I generally give up and go back to my old ways. We were discussing how things feel different this time because it's not a "diet" that I am doing, and there's nothing to "go off of." I've viewed this as a change in life that's maintainable - which was the whole purpose. Still, I have my doubts because when one is crossing into unknown territory, it can be frightening - even if I'm aware of what can and has happened in the past. As we were having this discussion, Sam uttered something in the middle of a thought that stuck with me. He said, "Well, you're an athlete now." I laugh just typing it, and I laughed aloud when he said it while we were chatting.

I'm not an athlete. I've never been an athlete. I'm uncoordinated, unskilled, clumsy, awkward (at times), have always been picked last for every sport I've ever played - not to mention being overweight and the limitations that brings. But, the thought stuck with me, and I pondered it a bit more. An athlete? Me? I suppose it's possible. I train several hours a day, I'm often healing some sort of "war wound" from training, I'm aware of when, what, and how often I'm eating, and I have goals for myself. I'm becoming better at the things I'm doing, and finding ways to challenge myself. Is it possible? Am I turning into an athlete? I honestly don't even know what to do with that thought. I'm not the athlete... I'm the fat girl, who's not good at sports. The latter title seems much easier to accept than the former, and I'm trying to determine why.

The eternal optimist when it comes to others, I find the stark opposite to be the truth when it comes to myself. I am happy to cheer on others, and know full well that they are capable of anything they put their mind to doing, but I can't seem to believe the same for myself.  It's not as though this is restricted to the current situation either because it runs across all areas of life. I doubt everything I do and expect that what I'm doing is never good enough to call myself "fill_in_the_blank." I'm not an athlete, I'm not an artist, I'm not strong, I'm not a cyclist.  It's as though I have some kind of never-achievable idea of what it is I should be in order to call myself by whatever title. But, the reality is that I am all of these things, and the only one who doesn't yet believe it ... is me.

Some day though... one day, I will know that I am an athlete and I'll have the confidence to proclaim it out loud.

Miscellaneous Thoughts: Winning/Losing Battles

Although I have yet to mention it here in this space, boot camp training came to an end at the beginning of this week. The month long adventure into intense outdoor workouts at local parks was fun, but I was definitely ready to return to the kickboxing studio. I discovered that I am, without a doubt, the least in-shape person in the class (or at least who showed up to the workouts), and confirmed my knowledge that I am definitely not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I also learned that I am so fortunate to have an incredibly supportive group of people around me, who constantly motivate me to keep going, try harder, and to never give up on my goals. Even though I am definitely the slowest individual (physically, not mentally - I swear!) I can say that I attended every single boot camp during the month... and as a reward, I received an embroidered hand towel with my name and the studio name on it. I couldn't help but giggle a bit. The usefulness of the prize did not go unnoticed, particularly as I seem to be the one who is constantly dripping with sweat.  For a person who typically runs colder than average, it's amazing the buckets that pour out of me during class.

*Image found here

On the cycling front, I have been recovering from last weeks' attempts to get in longer rides before my big ride with Venus de Miles at the end of the month. Unfortunately, the wrist damage from those rides last week has been more intense than I would've liked and it's prevented me from getting in long rides since Saturday. The doubts about my ability to do the 51 miles at this point continue on. Part of me thinks that I just need to get in what I can and go for it anyway just to see if I can make it happen. The other part of me thinks it's quite stupid on my part to attempt something that I likely won't be able to finish, and that it would make more sense to opt for the shorter 33 mile ride that doesn't go into the mountains. I suppose I will have to make a judgement call when the time arrives, but until then, I still plan on doing my best to get some time and distance in the saddle.

Last night, Sam and I had a discussion about my mental state and what I'm focused on at this moment in time. As a whole, I find that I am better off when my energy goes into kickboxing goals, cycling, and the like. When I focus too much on losing weight, it becomes so easy to get distracted and/or depressed at the rate of loss. While the overall numbers don't seem so bad, I know that a large chunk of it came off in the first few weeks, making the average for each month much lower than it should be, in my opinion. However, when I think about the past and how I've attempted to lose weight by dropping calories so significantly that I could barely function as a human, I realize that I am so much better off allowing myself a larger amount of calories and just working my butt off. I'd rather have the energy to do all the activities I want to do, see it come off slower, and know that I can do this for life, rather than see it drop off over night, but never be able to participate in anything.

Pain, Training & Motivation

I recently decided to move forward with participating in the Venus de Miles ride that takes place in New Town Prospect, Colorado. I've done this ride the last couple of years and decided on the shortest route (33 miles) for each of those. Both years I have struggled with making it to the finish line due to hand/wrist issues, but for some odd reason, this year I apparently thought it would be a great idea to do a longer route (51 miles). While the distance in itself will be a huge, huge challenge for me because of the hand problems, it also has a portion that climbs into the mountains. If I haven't mentioned it prior, I am not a hill climber on my bike by any stretch of the imagination. I will go to great lengths to avoid hills that I don't like, even making the ride miles longer.

*Image found here
Not looking forward to climbing any portion of these - at all

In an attempt to get myself used to being in the saddle and more importantly on the handlebars for many hours, I've been trying to get in some longer rides. One ride I typically will set a distance and do that mileage, no matter how long it takes me. On another, I'll set a time goal and know that no matter how far I go, I have to stay on the bike for that length of time. Then, the other rides I try to do something in between the two. It all comes out about the same generally, but I think it's a mind game for myself. If I know I only have to go "x" distance, if I pedal faster, I can get through it quicker... or at least that's what I say as I'm trying to motivate my legs to cooperate.

Today, was a "time" ride. I had gone to my kickboxing boot camp for an hour before the ride, and then decided that a two hour cycle-fest would be fair. Considering I will probably be in the saddle for about 6-7 hours when I do the ride, it's not even a third of what is coming for me in just a few weeks. The short of this story is that I was amazed at how badly I struggled with this ride. At about 45 minutes into the ride, my hands began going numb and my wrists were aching. While I did end up finishing the time (though I had to stop a couple of times for a few minutes just to stretch), I am beginning to doubt myself and my ability to actually carry through with this goal.

I've started to ask, "What is motivating me to do this ride?" I'm asking this question because I fear that on the day of the ride, I will simply want to give up when it gets tough and call it a day. It's difficult to be in pain and keep moving forward. I know I'll have to decide if it's pain I can live through, or if it's the kind of pain where I really should stop before I get hurt even worse. While I try to figure out the answer to my own question, I continue to train, and hopefully, the motivation will find me before the day of the ride.