Yesterday was a day of complete and utter self-sabotage. I very purposefully set out to see how much I could eat in a single day. No, I didn't eat all day long, but my meals (specifically the two in the late part of the day) were calorie-laden. I went to bed feeling sad, depressed, and completely ill from the food in my stomach. Why did I do this? Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen, and prove to myself that I am the one in control. What I didn't like about it is that 1) I was completely sick, and 2) My mental state that allowed me to think this was okay. I consumed approximately 2500 calories, and while in the grand scheme of pig outs it doesn't sound that horrible, it was a ridiculous amount of food. I didn't even want what I ate, which is the saddest part of all.
The bottom line is that I was angry. Angry that I work very, very hard and see no results - and of course, doing myself in isn't going to help the cause.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do. From what I've been reading, I still may not be eating enough calories, but I am truly petrified to take on any more because I fear that it will have adverse affects. In my mind, it's so much easier to take food away than to add it in. The second part is that I think I need to invest in a heart rate monitor. It's the only way I'm truly going to know what I'm burning since online calculators and machines seem to be wildly different in the analysis of calories burned for an individuals' weight. I don't understand why this has to be so mysterious - it's just odd. While I have struggled in the past to lose, it has come off at a slow, but consistent rate if I was putting forth the effort. Now it seems that despite my best intentions, I just cannot make it go away.
I am determined to figure this out though, and I hold firm to the fact that working out should not be done solely for purposes of losing weight, but rather to maintain a healthy life.... it's just so hard when there is absolutely nothing tangible to cling to during these rough times.