Today is a rough day. I am struggling mentally with a lot of things, and when my head is occupied with frivolity, my workouts seem to suffer, my mental state suffers, and everyone around me is forced to endure my random mood swings. My biggest enemy seems to be me at the moment, and I don't know how to fix it, so I keep thinking that getting it all out will help - but even talking seems to just keep me wading in the mucky waters. How am I supposed to feel better about myself when nothing changes? I want so badly to just live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is at this time, but it seems almost impossible. I have always lived in a future state of mind and to bring myself to engaging in the present seems to be quite difficult.
Often, I don't even know how to express the complexity of garbage going on inside, and if I can't even get the words out, how am I supposed to be able to let go of everything? I am a very fortunate person. I have the privilege of being able to work my own hours, at home, doing something I enjoy. I am surrounded by my fur children, and a husband who seems to love me, even when I'm a complete nut case. We live in a great old town area, in a house that is perfect for us. If I want to work out in the middle of the day, go for a bike ride, or just wander down the road, I can. Again, I do appreciate and understand just how fortunate I really am. However, there are other things that seem to linger in my mind and I just can't seem to let go of them.
I find myself getting angry at my parents for not teaching better habits to their children and not having enough sense to keep their own bodies strong. While I realize I am an adult and in control of my behaviors, actions, and reactions, I haven't let go of the fact that I blame them - not for my current physical state - but for creating genetics that seem to severely impede on my ability to get the body I desire. No matter how hard I work, nothing seems to change. I get tired of working hard all the time to have no results. I feel stronger, but I don't feel more capable, and my body has not changed. It's frustrating to say the least.
There are many issues outside the weight issues and lack of changes in my body, but one that I am concerned about most is that I am struggling with who I am as a person. I don't like who I am or who I've become. I can't help but wonder if somewhere the train went off course. I feel so far off at this point I don't know if there's any hope of getting me back where I should be. Maybe this is just the path of life? We don't get to know or even predict how things will turn.
In the mean time, I am doing my best to stay focused on this day... this hour... this moment. Hopefully, that will help focus some of the excess energy being wasted on things that I can't change.