Sunday, November 18, 2012

Changes to the Blog

(**This is a cross-post with the other blog - apologies if you're reading it twice)

Early this morning, I awoke out of a dead sleep... thinking about the blog. There have been rumblings brewing lately of closing up my bike blog and calling it done, but I've hesitated because I don't feel as though I'm ready to say "that's all folks." When I woke up suddenly before the sun had even an idea of coming up over the horizon, I had an idea and I think it's the best solution for me at this point in time.
Image source here
The blog here was originally intentionally separated from the bike blog because it focuses primarily on my weight loss journey, getting stronger, and various aspects of things related to health and fitness. I wanted a separate space initially for many reasons. First, I didn't want to bother those who come to the bike blog only to read about bicycles and various cycling related topics. Secondly, when it comes to the weight loss/fitness aspect of my life, I tend to be a bit more (okay, maybe far more) whiny and self-deprecating than when discussing bikes. Finally, in many respects, I simply didn't know how to combine two areas of my life without it seeming odd.

In the wee hours of the morning, however, I came to the conclusion that both blogs are suffering. While some people are able to maintain many separate blogs and keep them all updated on a somewhat regular basis, I am apparently not one of those folks. Everything ends up suffering in the end, and I don't write anything anywhere for long stretches of time, or I only seem to focus on one or the other.

The solution in my mind is simply to combine the two blogs. Unfortunately, for some that means that there will be personally irrelevant topics posted here at times, but at this juncture, it is the only solution that makes sense to me.  The changes will be taking place as soon as possible over the next several days.

So, what will you find now? I'll still be posting about weight loss, struggles, fitness, and so on, but I also intend to have posts about bicycles and cycling related adventures. I appreciate that some readers may part ways here, but my hope is that there will be overlap permitting readers to find something of interest here, and also allow me to focus once again on something that I enjoy doing - sharing the adventure of life.

If this is where we part ways, I just want to thank you for taking the time to check in and read here.  All of the topics posted in the past will remain in place for those who may find a tidbit of useful or helpful information. To get to the "new" space for this blog, please click here. I look forward to what is coming and being able to continue to share with those who have interest. This blog will remain up for a short time, but ultimately will be taken down as the posts have been combined with the other blog.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Giving Up the Scale and the "Goal"

From the start of this journey in early March, my goal has been to lose at least 75 lbs by the end of the year. I seem to go through long stretches of playing with a couple of pounds at a time and it's seemed as though it might not be possible. Over the last few days, I've managed to gain 5 lbs. Nothing has changed. I'm still tracking what I eat, working out hard, but somehow these five pounds have mysteriously made an appearance.

While I know it's possible to lose the 14 pounds I need to by the end of the year, I question the plausibility of it.  Six and a half weeks isn't much time, and with both Thanksgiving and Christmas looming, along with all the fabulousness of food during the next several weeks, I'm a bit terrified of what I'm in for to make it to "the goal." While I can control our meals on the particular holidays, it doesn't seem to stop others from stopping by with sweet treats or other holiday time goodies. Beyond others, I always feel the obligation to make my own sweets, and although I generally don't eat what I bake, who knows what might overcome me in a moment of weakness? I've tried to remind myself that it's all part of integrating better habits into daily life, but the other side of me wonders if the holiday season will be my downfall. I can't help but continue to wait for the day when I finally decide to give up.

As I've been pondering all of this over the last week or so, I've also decided that I cannot deal with the stresses of a scale right now. I find myself weighing multiple times in a day, trying to notice trends and while I only "count" my morning weigh in, this process is messing with my head. So, this morning I asked one of my kickboxing instructors to take the scale away - for at least a month. This time of year is incredibly taxing on me (emotionally) as it is for many others, and I just don't need the added stress of figuring out why I gained a pound on such and such day and then lost on another. I'm hoping that not having the stress of the scale to contend with will put me more at ease and focus me on what really matters - what is going into and out of my body.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

450 Push-ups

What does one do in the middle of a cold, snowy Sunday afternoon? Why 450 push-ups, of course! Perhaps a bit of back story is in order first though.
I could totally look like her, right? Okay, maybe not.
I have had a rough few weeks with focusing on working out. I've gone to all the kickboxing classes, and on the surface it seems as though I'm continuing on with my grand plan, but I know that I've not been doing my best. I've requested a kick in the rear from my instructors, but I also know that they are nice people and probably won't be too keen on the idea, but I knew I needed something to get me back in the game.

So, this afternoon I decided I was going to see how many push-ups I could do. At the start, my back was in pain and I figured I might not make it very far, but the stubborn girl within broke through and I was determined to do at least 200. When I got to 200, I decided 300 was possible, and so on. At 450, I knew that I needed to stop, even though a part of me wanted to continue on. Unfortunately, I do have to function tomorrow, so I called it quits, but I was so excited to be able to accomplish such a goal. This, from the woman who just 8 months ago couldn't do 5 push-ups (really, I couldn't do one, if I'm honest). So crazy what half a year can do for a person!!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Discouraged and Drained

Today, I am completely drained. I feel beat up: mentally and physically. Next Saturday is belt testing in kickboxing and it will be my sixth month in a row to test. Now, it may not seem like a big deal, but for most people, one belt takes anywhere from two (if they go frequently) to six months (if they're more of a "couple of times a week" sort of participant) to complete. That should help to better define how many classes I'm going to every week, and why it is that I'm so tired. Generally, this schedule doesn't kill me (it's tough, but I make it through), but it seems the last couple of weeks have been extra difficult in that the instructors seem to want to put everyone in the class into a state of complete exhaustion. They have each asked me to do things that I am not physically able to do, and it's causing me to re-evaluate why it is I'm in such a hurry to get to the next level.

Put simply, my body hasn't had enough time to catch up to the level I should be for a given belt and it's frustrating me. As much as I want to will my body to do the things I want it to do, it just doesn't seem to want to cooperate, and I can't say I blame it. I'm asking a lot of it. Two kickboxing classes a day, riding my bike, the occasional gym visit - it all adds up; yet, my weight loss isn't on par with the amount of work I put in. The reality is that I have a lot of extra weight and asking my body to do these things repeatedly, day after day, week after week, and month after month is taking its toll. The last couple of weeks have reminded me that I am still the fat girl, and as much as I don't want to be that person, I can't seem to escape that reality.

I've started to wonder if this is just what I will be for the rest of my life. Perhaps I will never have anything even remotely close to a normal body weight? Those fears cause even more anxiety because I find myself wondering why one would push herself so hard if this is all there is for me to achieve. I suppose I'm just tired of being the fat girl. I don't want to be the biggest person in my classes. I don't want to be the biggest person in any given room. Living in the supposed "fittest" state in the U.S. doesn't really help matters because I'm surrounded my health nuts. There are plenty of overweight folks, so don't let the statistics fool anyone, but there is the reality looming that I am fatter than almost anyone here.

What is my point? In summary:
1. I'm fat. As much as I've lost weight, there is so much more to go.
2. I'm slow. I don't lose weight quickly, and I seem to be slow catching up athletically/fitness-wise as well.
3. I'm discouraged. Being unable to keep up during kickboxing classes makes me fear even more the belt tests... not to mention, that I've been playing with the same couple of pounds for three weeks.

Although I realize these feeling will pass, and I will hopefully feel more capable as the days roll by, it's such a horrible place to find oneself - trapped in my own thoughts and feelings.