Trapped

It's been an interesting week or so here in our household. We've had family visiting from out of town, we have both fallen ill to this nasty local flu that seems to be spreading like wildfire, and I'm in the middle of a project that involves a slew of people coming by the house at random times of the day. Needless to say, I've found myself pretty well locked to the house, and it hasn't been the greatest. I always think that I'm a homebody and that just staying here throughout the day wouldn't be so horrible, but it turns out, I leave quite a bit more often than I imagined. For example, I often run to the post office to drop off packages or mail, I run to the art supply store to grab a color I'm missing in my paint tubes, or perhaps even a quick trip to a home improvement store to pick up some item for a household project. Most of the time, I get to perform these chores by bike, and I love it.

My bike time is "clearing my head" time and I have found myself a bit crankier than normal about everyday occurrences in life. I often wonder during these times if my bad behavior is justified or if I'm just overly sensitive to things because I don't have as much time to be outside. With winter closing in on us, I know my bike time is going to decrease yet again. While I don't mind riding in the cold, I've yet to get over my fear of ice on the roads while riding, so I'm certain that as soon as the snow hits, I'll be back to experiencing theses sorts of feelings.

Image found here

All of this has caused me to consider the days not so long ago when I would perhaps avoid riding my bike when possible. It's not that I didn't want to ride my bike, but there were days when I know I would make the excuse to drive simply because I didn't feel like taking the bike out. While I think it's perfectly acceptable to take the car when needed, my preference is always to bike when possible because I get to experience things such as the changing seasons, the daylight coming and going, and even the cranky drivers are less irritating (and often less irritable in the winter months - though not always) when on a bicycle. I find myself thinking that perhaps these flimsy excuses I've used only added to my weight gain over the last several years.

I hope that I am making changes in all areas of my life with this journey, and while they may not always be positive, I hope that I never feel trapped in my life. I know people who have made considerable life changes during or after losing a good chunk of weight, and I hope that I can keep my sensibilities and know the difference between positive and negative energy in my life.

Face Changes

Today, while looking for some progress pictures of Sam, I happened upon some photos of myself that were not so fabulous. It's funny to me the feelings I had just a few months ago about seeing images of just my face, let alone a full body shot. While I still don't enjoy seeing photos of myself, I remember a very specific photo that I took in January of this year. I had been trying to find ways to get better angles with the camera so as to avoid looking overly fat. Let's face it though, when a person is fat, s/he is fat, and there's no hiding it.

This isn't the photo I was so upset about, but it's an interesting comparison as well.

On this January day, I decided that I was just going to take as straight on a photo as I could without too much adjusting to simply see what I looked like. The result? I wasn't happy.  I realized that I was becoming quite a behemoth individual and truly didn't like it. That said, I also didn't seem ready to take those feelings and do anything about it. Sure, I signed up for an online tracking system, but I wasn't using it. It was as though I was taking the first steps, but I just couldn't seem to commit to anything quite yet.

So, on to the photo. I specifically remember this photo because I was alone, at home, feeling pretty crappy about myself and just had to see - for the first time in a long time - what I had been doing to myself. I have far worse photos of myself, but something about this one just made me cry. I felt like a huge, round bowling ball. How could I have let this happen? I'm not sure... but I did. Then, yesterday, I was out working in my studio and took a picture of myself (actually because I was testing out the camera phone to see what it looked like - I'm in the process of documenting some things). As grumpy as I looked (and felt), it's as though my face got longer somehow. No more round head... it's sort of oval-ish now.

There is hope... some day, it will be even better - I hope!

All of this to say that I'm making progress. It doesn't always show up on the scale, but I'll take the small victories where I can get them. I feel better now, and that's what really matters.

Trying to Find My Way

The last week (or so) has been mentally rough on me (as is evidenced by my incredibly ranting posts). I've been doubting everything and trying to figure out why I can't just exist in a day without drama. I'm slowly working through all of it, thankfully, but it's been an excellent reminder that losing weight isn't really about losing weight. Of course, it is about losing weight in that the whole reason for setting about this journey is to see the scale dropping, but the reality is that there is so much more to uncover about myself that has nothing to do with the weight.

I was speaking with a friend the other day and she made a comment that brought some things to light. I realized that I do focus entirely too much (despite what I want to believe) on the weight loss itself and not on what I should be focused on... figuring out why the weight came on in the first place. Mind you, I've never been a small person, even as a child, and I realize that I will not ever be; however, there must be some kind of reason that as an adult I would allow myself to get to this point.

*Image here
My dream was far less human-dominant, and much more bear-winning-the-fight

No answers have made themselves apparent to me as of yet, but I know that it's far more important to be aware of the "why am I doing this," than the "why isn't the weight coming off faster" question. I am definitely fighting something, or there is a moment of clarity about to happen because I've found myself in several emotional moments over the last few days during which I cannot stop crying. That has been followed for the last two evenings by the craziest dreams... last night, included fighting (by hand) with a giant bear. Gotta love dreams and there very easy to interpret meanings.

In the meantime, I am attempting to keep some perspective on life and this journey.  I have too many other things to focus on to get so absorbed in what is or isn't happening with my body.

**Edited to add: I looked up "dreaming about fighting with a bear" just to see what would come up, and this is what I found: "Dreaming about bears is fairly uncommon. To see a bear in your dream symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles, and competition." - Source here

Three Pound Gain - WTF?

This morning, I awoke to a 2 pound gain, which was preceded yesterday by a 1 pound gain. I really don't know what's going on, but it definitely displeases me. It's also highly demotivating to spend the week working hard, doing what I should be doing and then see the scale go up. It seems that every time this happens and I mention it to someone the response is, "Oh, well you're just gaining muscle." Um, no. I'm not gaining muscle - especially not over the course of two days. I understand that in the beginning of a new activity there are often no losses or even small gains due to muscles retaining water and trying to rebuild, but it's ludicrous at this point to see that much gain - virtually over night.

*Image found here

I want to be the strong person and continue to tell myself that this is just how it goes and that it's all just part of the process. I want to be able to give myself the same canned responses that I hear from everyone else like, "Oh, it will come off. It's just temporary water weight." But, the reality is that I just want to sit here and cry. It took weeks to get off those three pounds, and then they can somehow come on in two days. I can feel the weight on my body. I feel fatter and slower, and while I understand that it's likely not possible to actually notice those three pounds being added on, somehow my brain believes that it is capable of sensing that difference. These are the days when I wish for the "magic formula" so that I would know what to do. These are also the days that lead me to want to give up (or at least have in the past). I feel deflated, discouraged, and unsure of the decisions I'm making.

My goal through this has been to eat well, but not tell myself that I cannot have something if I want it. In doing so, I understood that the losses would be slower, but hopefully more permanent. I record food daily, no matter what I eat, and I can say that I definitely haven't been over my usual calorie range. Last night, I was pondering the idea of simply going back to eating less - a lot less - so that the weight will come off faster. There is a part of me that wants to do it that way because my personal history has shown me that it will work... at least temporarily. But, the reality is that I know I cannot sustain it, and therefore it isn't really a tool that I should utilize at this juncture.

So, for now I have resigned myself to just feeling this three pound gain and trying to remind myself that three pounds is a lot easier to lose than fifty. I have to stay the course, regardless of my current desire to skip kickboxing and go back to bed. Hopefully, the kickboxing will at least make me feel better rather than worse.

What Does an Athlete Look Like?

Tomorrow will be the fourth month in a row that I'm testing in kickboxing. There are those who think that I shouldn't be testing this quickly (myself included, at times) between belts, but I have to admit that the challenge of doing so definitely keeps me motivated, and striving to become a better me. At some point, this will no longer be possible as I will need too many classes to test each month, but in the meantime, I find myself debating whether or not it's a worthwhile cause to continue to do the tests each month for as long as I can. As I have mentally debated this over the past several weeks, I've often thought that there is no real reason for me to be pushing myself like this. What is it that's spurring me to action, exactly?

As I've been pondering this very idea, Sam brought to my attention something that I found odd, but intriguing. We were discussing the hang up that I have about the "6 month time frame" with losing weight and working out. I'm always fearful during the 6-8 month marker because in the past (as I've mentioned before) it is the point at which I generally give up and go back to my old ways. We were discussing how things feel different this time because it's not a "diet" that I am doing, and there's nothing to "go off of." I've viewed this as a change in life that's maintainable - which was the whole purpose. Still, I have my doubts because when one is crossing into unknown territory, it can be frightening - even if I'm aware of what can and has happened in the past. As we were having this discussion, Sam uttered something in the middle of a thought that stuck with me. He said, "Well, you're an athlete now." I laugh just typing it, and I laughed aloud when he said it while we were chatting.

I'm not an athlete. I've never been an athlete. I'm uncoordinated, unskilled, clumsy, awkward (at times), have always been picked last for every sport I've ever played - not to mention being overweight and the limitations that brings. But, the thought stuck with me, and I pondered it a bit more. An athlete? Me? I suppose it's possible. I train several hours a day, I'm often healing some sort of "war wound" from training, I'm aware of when, what, and how often I'm eating, and I have goals for myself. I'm becoming better at the things I'm doing, and finding ways to challenge myself. Is it possible? Am I turning into an athlete? I honestly don't even know what to do with that thought. I'm not the athlete... I'm the fat girl, who's not good at sports. The latter title seems much easier to accept than the former, and I'm trying to determine why.

The eternal optimist when it comes to others, I find the stark opposite to be the truth when it comes to myself. I am happy to cheer on others, and know full well that they are capable of anything they put their mind to doing, but I can't seem to believe the same for myself.  It's not as though this is restricted to the current situation either because it runs across all areas of life. I doubt everything I do and expect that what I'm doing is never good enough to call myself "fill_in_the_blank." I'm not an athlete, I'm not an artist, I'm not strong, I'm not a cyclist.  It's as though I have some kind of never-achievable idea of what it is I should be in order to call myself by whatever title. But, the reality is that I am all of these things, and the only one who doesn't yet believe it ... is me.

Some day though... one day, I will know that I am an athlete and I'll have the confidence to proclaim it out loud.

Rules of Narcissism

I sincerely believe I am turning into a complete narcissist - or, at least it appears to superficially be the case for me these days. I'm still struggling to see changes in my own body, and while others tell me that I have changed, I don't know why it's so difficult to find them. I take pictures of myself constantly (okay, not constantly, but quite often) in hopes of seeing what others are seeing, and find myself trying to locate pictures from the end of last year/beginning of this year in hopes of making comparisons. The reality is that my measurements haven't really changed, other than losing a fairly sizable chunk out of my chest, so I don't understand what others are seeing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are just telling me I've changed to make me feel better. After all, losing over 50 lbs is a big chunk of weight, and one would think that changes would be evident. Perhaps folks just expect that there should be changes? A sort of preconceived idea of the outcome? I'm not entirely sure.

I put these two phone-photos side by side to take a look for myself.  My head appears to be a slightly different shape now, my glasses seem bigger (no idea why), and my lips seem smaller (is this the aging process... could 6 months do this to me?). I do notice that the triple chin is now down to a double, which is nice, but beyond a few minor shifts, things seem to be about the same.

Although perhaps calling myself a narcissist is a bit extreme, I do think there is a level of the illness present. There are moments when I completely absorb/recoil/etc into self and focus so completely on me that I fear I am neglecting things that I should be taking care of instead. I suppose it is the way with anyone who is trying to make changes, and it would be impossible to not have the desire to see the differences for ones self - or, perhaps I am just trying to convince myself that my self-absorbed behavior is acceptable.

Excuses

I was thinking today about excuses that people make (including myself). Excuses to not exercise, excuses to not watch what I'm eating, excuses to not pursue dreams. Excuses come in many forms - everything from jobs, to kids, to not having energy. Part of excuses for me personally is to hide from others. Typically, I'm not one to share a lot of personal information with people. I tend to give superficial information so that it seems as though I'm providing others a glimpse into my life, but without details no one has the opportunity to get too close or to potentially bring me harm. I've become quite good at it over the course of my life, and it never ceases to amaze me how people think they know me, when in fact they know very little about my life (or at least, nothing of significance). I do this quite intentionally. I have learned in adulthood that people aren't the way we were as kids. They don't just show up one day out of nowhere and become your friend. They don't love unconditionally. They don't really care about me or what's happening in my life. I don't mean that to sound like a giant pity party, but more so that it's just a reality of being an adult. We have other things that occupy our time - friends we've had since childhood, perhaps children and their activities, spouses, occupations, hobbies, and so on. Why would we want to bring new people into our circle?

*Image from Pinterest

But, back to excuses... Before I started this journey, I used to say that there was no hope of me losing weight - that I'm genetically predisposed to be fat, so why bother doing anything about it? Even given the fact that my entire family is overweight/obese, I don't think this is an excuse to not be healthy. Sure, I will never be a person who is tiny, but it doesn't mean that I can't be the healthiest person I can be. I find myself becoming very angry when I don't lose weight, and I think part of that is because I know how hard I work every day to see it come off, and it doesn't seem "fair" that while I can easily gain 10 pounds in a week, it will take about 4-10 weeks to get that same 10 pounds off of my body. Working out 2-3 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, it becomes aggravating to not have steady progress. Regardless though, it is progress. It might be slow - but it's progress nonetheless. I know my body pretty well, and I know that weight loss, if done correctly, is always slow for me. Slowness is also not an excuse to give up.

It would be easy to go on with the number of excuses available to use, but the reality is that as the saying goes, if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got. I am not willing to accept what the past has brought into my life, and the only way to fix that is to change what I have done while moving forward.

Tough Days Come and Go

I'm having a bit of a rough day (mentally) today.  While all of the working out and changing of life seems to be moving forward in a positive direction, I just seem to be having one of those days (several days, actually) during which I am clinging to nuances of unimportant matters. I keep reliving moments, things I've said/not said/should've said/should not have said/etc, and it's making me a bit batty. I'm not sleeping well, and I think it's affecting my general well-being.

*Image from Pinterest

I'm particularly concerned about my mental state because this is typically the point in my losing weight/getting fit journey when I tend to get lazy, or assume that I know what I'm doing and stop logging things or ease up on working out. I don't want that to be the pattern for my life, and I'm trying to very purposefully keep myself motivated and aware of what and how I'm reacting to things. I don't know it all, I obviously have not yet fixed what is broken (and may never fix it, frankly), and I need to keep in a positive frame of mind. Through it all, I realize that there will be good and bad days, and this is all just part of life and this journey. Hopefully, I will pull out of this funk soon and get back in a better state of mind.

50 Pounds Lost {Happy Dance!}

For the last few weeks, I have been fighting with the same few pounds. Up and down, up and down. I desperately wanted to reach the 50 pounds lost mile marker on the first of this month, but it just didn't happen. A few days later though... here I am! While it wasn't the easiest thing to accomplish, it did happen, and I continue to remind myself that this is a life-long change, and if it comes off slower than I'd prefer, I'm really okay with that reality. However, this was a major mile-marker I wanted to reach, and while it seems arbitrary to pick a number out of the sky, when I first started, I believed that when I reached this point, I would really feel as though I was doing what I had set out to do.

*Image from Pinterest

And you know, I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. There are rough days when I question everything, but honestly, I don't know what I would change. I know that my daily weight will fluctuate, and it will likely go back up before it comes back down, but to be able to reach this 50 pound marker is amazing to me.

That said, I'm also a bit terrified of reaching this point. It's been almost exactly 6 months (just a few days shy, actually) since I began this journey, and it's also the time marker at which I start to give up on myself historically. When I start to have excitement about losses, I start slacking in areas, thinking that I have everything under control. Logically, I know I don't have it under control, and I have to continue to track everything, work out, and realize that this is a forever change, not a short term "fix." Six months, is generally the point when I start to gain again - and I don't want that to be the reality with this go at it. The benefit to me during this round is that I'm aware of what happens to me at about this point in the journey, and hopefully I can nip it early and just keep moving forward. The other benefit is that I'm not starving myself as I normally would, and I've truly tried to make this a lifestyle change.

I'm so happy to have reached this marker, and I look forward to moving on to the next one. The next goal? I'm not quite sure just yet. I don't know if I want to set a long term weight loss goal at this point because it takes me a bit of time and it can become discouraging, but perhaps I will just focus on the next 5-10 pounds and see where it takes me before focusing on another huge chunk of weight. For now, I'm enjoying this moment and acknowledging that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do.

Several Weeks of Maintaining and a Heart Rate Monitor Distraction

I'm currently having flash backs of my 10 week struggle to get beyond the 20-something pounds lost mark. I've been hovering in the 40-something pounds lost for several weeks now, and quite frankly, I'm getting annoyed. I really don't think I'm impatient about losing, and I work really, really hard every day to work this chubby rear off, but something in my body just doesn't want to cooperate at all. I've tested various theories - not eating enough, eating too much, not eating the "right" foods, etc - but nothing seems to help facilitate the process. Because of this frustration (or perhaps more as a distraction), I decided to try again with a heart rate monitor. I'd been pondering picking one up for a bit, and we happened to be at an REI garage sale where I was able to get one for under $30. This morning, I tested it out at the gym.

Goodness knows I haven't been to the gym in quite awhile because I've been amusing myself with kickboxing and cycling so frequently, but I figured it was a good place to test it out. By the time I'd finished my 45 minute sweat-fest on the ARC machine (it's basically a combination of an elliptical and stair climber), I was drenched head-to-toe, and according to the monitor, had burned 477 calories. Really? My online logger claims that I "should" have burned 871 calories, while the machine itself at the gym stated that it was 794 calories burned. Can it really be that off, and what is more accurate?

Here's what I've read online:

"Calorie burning isn't determined by heart rate, it's determined by the number of muscle cells that are activated to perform a given activity. It's the working cells that actually use the energy (calories) and consume oxygen. When working muscle cells need more energy and oxygen, your heart rate goes up to deliver these things to the cells via the blood stream"

So, what is this telling me exactly? I understand that the number of muscle cells used to perform an activity are important, and this is a machine that uses major muscles, but yet the calories burned seems off. How do I know what to believe though, and how can these numbers be SO different? I don't mind seeing that the number burned is lower, but I also want to know that it's accurate - otherwise, there's no real point to wearing the darn HRM. I've also looked into "power meters" as many claim that it's the only way to get a more accurate reading of calorie expenditure.

Although I'm not entirely sure where this is taking me, or if it will be of benefit over the long haul, it's been a fun little distraction to see what I'm capable of doing, and the rates at which I expend energy. Now, if I can just get out of this rut with weight loss, I'll be a happy little camper.