Giving Up the Scale and the "Goal"

From the start of this journey in early March, my goal has been to lose at least 75 lbs by the end of the year. I seem to go through long stretches of playing with a couple of pounds at a time and it's seemed as though it might not be possible. Over the last few days, I've managed to gain 5 lbs. Nothing has changed. I'm still tracking what I eat, working out hard, but somehow these five pounds have mysteriously made an appearance.

While I know it's possible to lose the 14 pounds I need to by the end of the year, I question the plausibility of it.  Six and a half weeks isn't much time, and with both Thanksgiving and Christmas looming, along with all the fabulousness of food during the next several weeks, I'm a bit terrified of what I'm in for to make it to "the goal." While I can control our meals on the particular holidays, it doesn't seem to stop others from stopping by with sweet treats or other holiday time goodies. Beyond others, I always feel the obligation to make my own sweets, and although I generally don't eat what I bake, who knows what might overcome me in a moment of weakness? I've tried to remind myself that it's all part of integrating better habits into daily life, but the other side of me wonders if the holiday season will be my downfall. I can't help but continue to wait for the day when I finally decide to give up.

As I've been pondering all of this over the last week or so, I've also decided that I cannot deal with the stresses of a scale right now. I find myself weighing multiple times in a day, trying to notice trends and while I only "count" my morning weigh in, this process is messing with my head. So, this morning I asked one of my kickboxing instructors to take the scale away - for at least a month. This time of year is incredibly taxing on me (emotionally) as it is for many others, and I just don't need the added stress of figuring out why I gained a pound on such and such day and then lost on another. I'm hoping that not having the stress of the scale to contend with will put me more at ease and focus me on what really matters - what is going into and out of my body.

450 Push-ups

What does one do in the middle of a cold, snowy Sunday afternoon? Why 450 push-ups, of course! Perhaps a bit of back story is in order first though.

I could totally look like her, right? Okay, maybe not.

I have had a rough few weeks with focusing on working out. I've gone to all the kickboxing classes, and on the surface it seems as though I'm continuing on with my grand plan, but I know that I've not been doing my best. I've requested a kick in the rear from my instructors, but I also know that they are nice people and probably won't be too keen on the idea, but I knew I needed something to get me back in the game.

So, this afternoon I decided I was going to see how many push-ups I could do. At the start, my back was in pain and I figured I might not make it very far, but the stubborn girl within broke through and I was determined to do at least 200. When I got to 200, I decided 300 was possible, and so on. At 450, I knew that I needed to stop, even though a part of me wanted to continue on. Unfortunately, I do have to function tomorrow, so I called it quits, but I was so excited to be able to accomplish such a goal. This, from the woman who just 8 months ago couldn't do 5 push-ups (really, I couldn't do one, if I'm honest). So crazy what half a year can do for a person!!

50 Pounds Lost {Happy Dance!}

For the last few weeks, I have been fighting with the same few pounds. Up and down, up and down. I desperately wanted to reach the 50 pounds lost mile marker on the first of this month, but it just didn't happen. A few days later though... here I am! While it wasn't the easiest thing to accomplish, it did happen, and I continue to remind myself that this is a life-long change, and if it comes off slower than I'd prefer, I'm really okay with that reality. However, this was a major mile-marker I wanted to reach, and while it seems arbitrary to pick a number out of the sky, when I first started, I believed that when I reached this point, I would really feel as though I was doing what I had set out to do.

*Image from Pinterest

And you know, I do feel like I'm doing what I should be doing. There are rough days when I question everything, but honestly, I don't know what I would change. I know that my daily weight will fluctuate, and it will likely go back up before it comes back down, but to be able to reach this 50 pound marker is amazing to me.

That said, I'm also a bit terrified of reaching this point. It's been almost exactly 6 months (just a few days shy, actually) since I began this journey, and it's also the time marker at which I start to give up on myself historically. When I start to have excitement about losses, I start slacking in areas, thinking that I have everything under control. Logically, I know I don't have it under control, and I have to continue to track everything, work out, and realize that this is a forever change, not a short term "fix." Six months, is generally the point when I start to gain again - and I don't want that to be the reality with this go at it. The benefit to me during this round is that I'm aware of what happens to me at about this point in the journey, and hopefully I can nip it early and just keep moving forward. The other benefit is that I'm not starving myself as I normally would, and I've truly tried to make this a lifestyle change.

I'm so happy to have reached this marker, and I look forward to moving on to the next one. The next goal? I'm not quite sure just yet. I don't know if I want to set a long term weight loss goal at this point because it takes me a bit of time and it can become discouraging, but perhaps I will just focus on the next 5-10 pounds and see where it takes me before focusing on another huge chunk of weight. For now, I'm enjoying this moment and acknowledging that I am capable of anything I set my mind to do.

New Goals

Today, I am one definitely exhausted human. I finished the 51 mile ride for Venus de Miles on Sunday, and all went well. If you'd like to read more about it, please see my post here. It was actually a good ride, and I was very glad that I went ahead and did it... and now, on to the next challenge. The next challenge already has me tired and worn out, and I'm only two days into it.

Last night in kickboxing, the instructor made some kind of reference to the idea that at least he wouldn't have me testing again in September for a new belt. After having tested three months consecutively, he presumed, I'm sure, that it would take me at least two months for the next one. Wrong. After he made his comment, I told him that it was on and just for that, I was going to prove that I could do it again this month. The problem, however, is that there are a few things standing in my way.
1) I only have four weeks to complete 32 classes. Classes are offered twice a day, 4 days a week, and once a day two days a week (being closed on Sunday's). However, I cannot attend one of those days due to scheduling conflicts.
2) I don't do mornings... at least not early mornings, and two days a week, there is an early morning class at 6:15a. As I said, I don't do mornings. This could be a problem.
3) The studio is going to be closed for three classes this upcoming weekend, putting me even further behind.
So, basically, I have to attend every class I'm able to in order to make it in time for testing. After my first early morning class today, I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to make it to the end of these four weeks. Ugh. What have I gotten myself into?

If I can get used to the slightly earlier rising time, I think I'll be okay, but as of this moment in time, I am so tired I'm not sure I can function for the remainder of the day. I had better get it together if this is my grand plan, certainly. Here's to doing things that push our limits! Hopefully, I make it through.

The Week in Brief Review

I had a really cool little moment this morning, but first, I will go back to discuss the last week or so of happenings.  I have been doing my double ups on kickboxing, and getting in training rides for the event next weekend, and it's been exhausting... good, but very tiring. I find that I like working hard, pushing myself, and just trying to see what I can ultimately accomplish. However, at some point my body becomes uncooperative, which I suppose is to be expected. I am slowly learning to allow my body to rest once in awhile, as I know that nothing good comes from constantly pushing without allowing recovery. I think the extra pushing comes in when I have too many things that I want to get done in a short period of time, but I also think that over a short term period, it won't kill me to work a little harder than normal.

Throughout this past week, I have realized that I am so much stronger than I was six months ago - heck, even 3-4 months ago - so much stronger. At the beginning of this year, I would have stated that I did plenty physically; even knowing that it wasn't true. I enjoy the moments when I believe that I cannot go any more, and then somehow manage to do it. It makes me wonder where the ultimate limits actually are for me. Are there limits at all? Perhaps only in my mind.  I was able to get in some longer rides this week, which was important to me because I am concerned about a 51 mile ride, knowing that my wrists have a difficult time in the saddle. I rode 41 miles yesterday (the longest ride I've done in quite some time, actually), and just allowed myself to take a few minute stop every 8-10 miles. It seemed to do the trick with helping to keep my hands from completely dying. I did it without gloves, but I am considering wearing or at least taking some to help out with the situation next Sunday.

*Image found here

As for weight loss... it is back to being uncooperative, but I believe it will ultimately have no choice but to come off. I am doing my best not to concern myself with the daily losses/gains, but rather focus on what I'm doing to make me stronger overall. That is really all that I have control over. I am learning more and more that it's not just how much of something or the number of calories in the food that is important, but what my body can actually use from those calories. I knew that it was important before, but I think with all that I'm trying to do physically right now, I am becoming more aware of the importance of the type of fuel being put in.

After saying that, I will share that I went to bed last night desperately wanting pancakes and bacon. Mind you, I am not much of a meat eater (and honestly, I don't even remember the last time I ate pancakes either), but after the ride yesterday and doing kickboxing, I just wanted something horribly fatty.  When we woke up, I was so hungry and still wanting this food that I knew wouldn't be of any real benefit to my body. So, I caved and we went out for breakfast. As we sat down, I was glancing outside and saw a woman I know who I haven't seen since the end of last year. I told Sam I needed to run out and say hello. As I got outside and waved at her, she kind of looked at me as though she was a tad confused, but after a brief moment, waved back. She said, "Oh my goodness! You look amazing - just wonderful!! What have you been doing?" I have to say, it felt great to know that someone could see the difference in me physically over the past several months, particularly when I don't always see it myself.

All in all, it's been a productive week, and I am finding some calmness about the upcoming ride. There's no reason to worry about it because it will be what it is, and fretting about it beforehand isn't bringing anything of value to my life.

Two Weeks Until Venus de Miles

Exactly two weeks from today, I will be well on my way in the Venus de Miles ride. Today, however, I am taking my first day of complete rest since July 8 (that's 34 days, if anyone's keeping track), and I have to say, it feels great to do nothing. I think I almost forgot what it is like to know that nothing needs to be accomplished today (well, at least as far as working out is concerned). I am taking this day to plan out the next two weeks of training and exercise though, because I don't want to wear myself out right before the ride, nor do I want to be lacking in energy. Still, I got a late start in training, so I need to find time to get in some long rides, and I still plan on doing kickboxing belt testing this month as well. Unfortunately, that testing falls the day right before the ride, so I'll need to figure out how that factors in to training for the next couple of weeks.

Find the fatty in the photo... Riding the Venus de Miles in 2010

For some reason, I have a lot of anxiety before this ride. There are so many things that run through my head. My biggest concern is always my hands. I know they are always the first thing to give out simply because of injuries to them, and I know that I will have to stop frequently if I intend to make it the 51 miles. I've never rode 51 miles in a single ride, and it's scary to think that I may not make it to the end. My second concern is in regard to climbing in the mountains. I don't climb (certainly not well anyway), although I have pretty much put my mind at ease about this by reassuring myself that I can either walk if necessary, or simply pedal very slowly. It's not the end of the world though if I have to get off and walk.

Find the fatty #2... Riding Venus de Miles 2011

Another worry is one that is complete vanity. Every year I end up being in some kind(s) of photo(s) (either one that Sam takes, or that one of the course photographers snaps, or a combo thereof), and I hate it (I'm not even sure why I'm putting them up here, other than I hope to be able to look back at them one day and know that I'm no longer that person). I know I'm fat - well aware of this fact - but I think seeing photos of me on my bike (something that I love) and realizing just how horrible I look riding, makes me miserable. Every year when I see the photos I swear to myself that I'm never getting back on a bicycle (of course, this lasts about a day, and then wears off as I love my bikes far too much). Admittedly, I spend a good chunk of an hour (at least) crying about how bad I look after seeing the pictures... No one should look like they are going to crush the bike they're riding.

Oh yes, they get worse... this one is about 15 miles into the ride (I was already tired)
*Image from Sullivan Studios

I always know that I'm the biggest rider out there, and I guess in some ways, I've just come to accept that it is what it is. However, I've also come to the realization that it doesn't matter what I look like. I'm not doing the ride for a photo, and I shouldn't be depressed about seeing these images of myself riding. I know that I'm doing everything in my power to improve my physical well-being, and while it may not show in photographs just yet, I should be proud of all that I'm doing to improve me. So, to my future self, in two weeks time, when you're finding the photos that have been taken of you, remember that you work hard - every damn day - and you are worth continuing to fight for, regardless of how you feel about seeing yourself in pictures. Ride strong sister! I can't wait to see that you actually finished the ride.

New Day Resolutions

I have never been a person who has participated willingly in New Year's resolutions. While the new year is a convenient time to start fresh (and thus, I believe, the reason so many of us want to make resolutions in January), I have found that I do far better setting attainable, realistic goals throughout the year. This statement takes it to a new level though. When I think about it though, it makes sense. Shouldn't I be setting out to achieve something every day? It helps keep every day fresh and interesting, rather than feeling as though there is a certain time of year or month that goals should be set. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something that is a resolution for the day. Love it.

In other news, I have been shocked and amazed over the last six mornings to discover that I have lost something every morning. After several long weeks (months really) of fighting with the same few pounds, it's been a nice change to see the scale dropping (slowly, but dropping) every day. Perhaps my body has finally given in and decided to cooperate, or maybe it's just temporary, but regardless, I'm enjoying and taking what I can get. No complaints out of me, certainly.

My goal to test again this month in kickboxing is moving along swimmingly. I need four more classes (easily attainable before next Saturday) and I'll have made it to that goal. The one thing I'm really kicking myself about at the moment is that I went to so many classes (more than twice what I needed) before I tested for my last belt, which means that really I'm a belt behind. I have considered pleading with the instructor to allow me to test for both at the same time, but then I think that I did it to myself, and have no one to blame, so I should simply let it go and learn a lesson about being stubborn. Time will tell, but honestly, I'll be happy simply to have achieved this goal.

Pausing to Enjoy Accomplishments

As of this morning, I have lost a total of 28 pounds. Not too shabby, considering that for a month and a half of the last 11 weeks I fought with the same 3 pounds. I have a long, long way to go, but for once in my life, I want to stop and appreciate what I have accomplished instead of longing for something more or something different.

I had hoped by this point in the journey to have lost around 35-40 pounds, so one might think that I would be disappointed. On some level I suppose that is true, but I am also incredibly proud of myself for sticking to something, even when the weight loss wasn't happening. I am encouraged that I have been able to stick to "2-a-day" kickboxing workouts twice a week, and still continue to participate in other activities throughout the week as well. I have adjusted when needed, instead of being hard-headed. Honestly, I think I am pretty awesome.

In a few days, I will have been at this for three months. It's a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of life, but I think the short journey thus far is teaching me lessons every single day. I am grateful for the strong body developing under all the layers, and am looking forward to the successes ahead.

That Was Fast

In 11 days, I have lost 10 pounds. I made a promise to myself that I would not remove my workout clothes (except for bed time/shower time) until I lost that amount of weight. It happened so swiftly that I almost think I should extend the goal. Perhaps not being able to wear "real" clothes was more motivating than even I thought it would be? Regardless, it's nice to have a few pounds off and see that there is potential for light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see the light just yet, but at least there is a tunnel, and how long can a tunnel really be after all? Maybe no one should answer that question as it could be discouraging.

We are slated to visit relatives in California in mid-August and I am hoping that I will be able to drop a significant amount of weight by that time. The biggest struggle is that I am aware of how my body works and although I have lost this initial weight quite quickly, it will slow down dramatically I am quite certain from this point forward. Still... we all must have goals to accomplish, and seeing judgmental relatives might just be the motivation I need. Ahh, judgmental relatives... motivating even the unmotivatable <-- Is that a word?

Fortunately, there is really only one judgmental relative, and unfortunately, it is my relative. I do my best to avoid topics that I know will start us down the path of judgment, but it's almost inevitable that within a relatively short span of time, I will either be 1) angry and defensive, or 2) in tears. Isn't that what vacation is really about - or maybe those are just my vacations.

On the up side, I have started my way down a healthier path and I've hit a marker that is a good start. Now, I just have to keep that motivation going and know that the rest will ultimately go as well.

Day One

Everyone who begins a weight loss journey seems to have a dramatic story or something that pushed them over the edge to get going with losing the excess fat. I suppose I'm no different. You see, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my husband's and my meeting. Ten years. That's a pretty big marker. In that ten years, I have gained about 40-45 pounds. It's difficult to admit that, but I think it's part of the process of recognizing that as much as I like to say that I don't mind being overweight, I really do.

Normally, I am a fairly healthy person in terms of not getting sick, and really even my blood work always comes back with a green light. I don't remember the last time I was out with some kind of illness, but in late December I started getting flu like symptoms and figured I was due for some kind of bed rest. When it sill hadn't gone away in early March, I knew it was time to go to the doctor for antibiotics. I don't normally look at the scale when I visit the doctor because I don't want to think about the number I'm seeing. It's always more than it should be and I am quite used to having doctors tell me that I need to lose. On this particular occasion, I made the mistake of looking. {sigh} It was... unfortunate.

This visit to the doctor happened to overlap the 10 year anniversary, and I think the realization of knowing how much I'd gained not only since my husband and I had met, but also just since the beginning of the year spurred me to action. What happens if I do nothing and just keep gaining? How long will it be before I won't even be able to do the things I enjoy? I couldn't imagine not being able to walk the dogs or ride my bike, or any number of other things. What if I died tragically somewhere? Would they even be able to pick me up to throw me in a grave or into the incinerator? A morbid thought, I am aware, but it did cross my mind.

Today is day one. Despite all the attempts in the past and subsequent failures, I have to start fresh and know that it is possible to conquer this mighty mountain. I have lost in the past, and I will lose again. I am starting by recording food intake on an online calorie counting website. It's a start. I haven't been to the gym since, hmm, probably November-ish, so I know I need to figure out what to do to get myself motivated in that arena again as well. I think just starting out with walking is the best course of action. Since clothes are the only thing that seem to motivate me, I have made a pact with myself that I will not get out of gym clothes for any purpose until I lose 10 pounds. It's a lofty goal, but if I work hard, it shouldn't take long.

And away I go...