I Am a Rockstar: 200 Burpees

Last night, I completed 200 burpees in kickboxing. I should say that the 200 burpees were in fact the kickboxing class. I should also clarify that they weren't exactly the burpees illustrated in the link above as I'm still struggling to hop up on my weight, but they were more of lay down stand up and jump kind of repetitions. Regardless of semantics, here is how it went down.

As I arrived for my second round of butt-kicking fun, I was told that I would be doing something different from the class tonight. Okay? I could hear the whispers going around. "What did she do?" and "Why is she being punished?" were spreading like wildfire as instructor Chris set me up. He stated that all I was going to do during the class was 100 burpees. He didn't care how long it took or if I needed to stop for water, and I could break them down any way I would like, but that was going to be my class.

"I can do that," was my reply. To which he said, "I know you can."

With about 20-25 minutes left of class, I had reached 100 reps. What was I going to do? I certainly couldn't just sit down and watch the rest of class. Should I get up and just join them as they finished off? I decided that I would go for "extra credit" and do a few more while I waited for class to end. Unfortunately for me, Chris took notice of this and exclaimed that I could get to 200. Wait, what? I'm just doing extra credit here man... not looking to double what you asked me to do. I mean, I'm an over-achiever, but I don't want to die.

As my body slowed and my breathing intensified, I told Chris I didn't think I could make it to 200 by the end of class. He told me not to worry that he would stay after so that I could complete them. Good lord... I don't want to get to 200 - except that, part of me did want to get there. By the time the class had finished, I had 11 reps left to complete. I was exhausted and sweating like the little piggy I am. The rest of the class joined me as I finished off (quite slowly) the remaining "burpees," after which Chris exclaimed, "You are a rockstar!"

And for a brief moment, I did feel like a rockstar.

It was no small feat for me to complete these. I have a hard time doing 5 of them during regular classes and I just did 200. I should've been completely proud of myself and rejoicing that I didn't keel over, but as soon as I started to allow myself to feel any sort of pride, the whispering demons snuck in to my head.

"You didn't really do burpees. You were merely laying down and standing up with a hop at the end."

"You could have done them so much faster. Why did you keep taking breaks? Too much resting!"

"Why didn't you do 250? If you weren't going to do them properly, you could've at least done more reps."

If it had been anyone other then myself, I would've been cheering them on, telling them they were doing an awesome job, and truly thinking that they were in fact a rockstar. Why can't I just allow myself to be happy and proud, instead of finding reasons to discount what I have accomplished? I just doubled what I was asked to do, and yet, somehow that still isn't good enough in my mind.

This is really something that I need to explore more deeply because it is a definite character flaw. While pushing ones self is important, I also have to be able to enjoy the moment of success, rather than beating myself up for what I have just completed. I honestly don't know how to repair it, other than to force myself into saying that I did a good job and working on believing it.

For now, I am trying to appreciate what I did last night, and allow my bruised knees and skinless toes to recover before I return tomorrow for the next round.

Self-Sabotage

Yesterday was a day of complete and utter self-sabotage. I very purposefully set out to see how much I could eat in a single day. No, I didn't eat all day long, but my meals (specifically the two in the late part of the day) were calorie-laden. I went to bed feeling sad, depressed, and completely ill from the food in my stomach. Why did I do this? Honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen, and prove to myself that I am the one in control. What I didn't like about it is that 1) I was completely sick, and 2) My mental state that allowed me to think this was okay. I consumed approximately 2500 calories, and while in the grand scheme of pig outs it doesn't sound that horrible, it was a ridiculous amount of food. I didn't even want what I ate, which is the saddest part of all.

The bottom line is that I was angry. Angry that I work very, very hard and see no results - and of course, doing myself in isn't going to help the cause.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. From what I've been reading, I still may not be eating enough calories, but I am truly petrified to take on any more because I fear that it will have adverse affects. In my mind, it's so much easier to take food away than to add it in. The second part is that I think I need to invest in a heart rate monitor. It's the only way I'm truly going to know what I'm burning since online calculators and machines seem to be wildly different in the analysis of calories burned for an individuals' weight. I don't understand why this has to be so mysterious - it's just odd. While I have struggled in the past to lose, it has come off at a slow, but consistent rate if I was putting forth the effort. Now it seems that despite my best intentions, I just cannot make it go away.

I am determined to figure this out though, and I hold firm to the fact that working out should not be done solely for purposes of losing weight, but rather to maintain a healthy life.... it's just so hard when there is absolutely nothing tangible to cling to during these rough times.

Overcoming the Obstacle of Me

Today is a rough day. I am struggling mentally with a lot of things, and when my head is occupied with frivolity, my workouts seem to suffer, my mental state suffers, and everyone around me is forced to endure my random mood swings. My biggest enemy seems to be me at the moment, and I don't know how to fix it, so I keep thinking that getting it all out will help - but even talking seems to just keep me wading in the mucky waters. How am I supposed to feel better about myself when nothing changes? I want so badly to just live in the moment and appreciate it for what it is at this time, but it seems almost impossible. I have always lived in a future state of mind and to bring myself to engaging in the present seems to be quite difficult.

Often, I don't even know how to express the complexity of garbage going on inside, and if I can't even get the words out, how am I supposed to be able to let go of everything? I am a very fortunate person. I have the privilege of being able to work my own hours, at home, doing something I enjoy. I am surrounded by my fur children, and a husband who seems to love me, even when I'm a complete nut case. We live in a great old town area, in a house that is perfect for us. If I want to work out in the middle of the day, go for a bike ride, or just wander down the road, I can. Again, I do appreciate and understand just how fortunate I really am. However, there are other things that seem to linger in my mind and I just can't seem to let go of them.

I find myself getting angry at my parents for not teaching better habits to their children and not having enough sense to keep their own bodies strong. While I realize I am an adult and in control of my behaviors, actions, and reactions, I haven't let go of the fact that I blame them - not for my current physical state - but for creating genetics that seem to severely impede on my ability to get the body I desire. No matter how hard I work, nothing seems to change. I get tired of working hard all the time to have no results. I feel stronger, but I don't feel more capable, and my body has not changed. It's frustrating to say the least.

There are many issues outside the weight issues and lack of changes in my body, but one that I am concerned about most is that I am struggling with who I am as a person. I don't like who I am or who I've become. I can't help but wonder if somewhere the train went off course. I feel so far off at this point I don't know if there's any hope of getting me back where I should be. Maybe this is just the path of life? We don't get to know or even predict how things will turn.

In the mean time, I am doing my best to stay focused on this day... this hour... this moment. Hopefully, that will help focus some of the excess energy being wasted on things that I can't change.

Knee Fat, Clothing, and Summer

The other day I wore shorts for the first time in quite awhile. I don't look awesome in them, and I didn't feel as though I suddenly looked better and therefore could get away with wearing shorts, but it was hot and I didn't want to be covered up head to toe, so I went for it.

Most of my weight is carried in my hips and legs. I was "blessed" with tree trunks and even as I lose weight, the legs stay on the hefty side. I don't mind having larger legs, but what I don't love is the knee fat associated with my larger legs. What is knee fat? Well, "knee fat" is that excess girth that surrounds the knee area. In my case, it runs from my calf area to just above my knee, along the interior of my legs. Not only is this unsightly, but it's actually a pain to deal with on a daily basis. It makes many activities, including just walking down the street unpleasant, and at times, actually painful. Oddly, my legs seem to be comprised of pure muscle and pure fat, and not much in between - meaning that the separation between the two areas is quite obvious.

I have trouble finding pants that even fit correctly through the legs. Manufacturers don't seem to cater to those with extra meat exclusively between the calf and knee area, so I have to look for wide leg pants (which, conveniently are out of style right at the moment) to wear jeans/pants that don't look freakish. It would seem that wearing shorts or skirts would be the best option, but then my knee fat rubs together when I walk (for most humans this happens in the thigh area - for me, I get to have my knees rubbing), and while I have grown used to this, there are times when pants just make more sense.

Although I'm not looking for pity because of this oddity, at times I see others who are overweight and notice that they have perfectly lovely legs, yet for some reason, they seem to be ashamed to show them off. Why? If you have something beautiful, don't hide it. There's no reason to put those legs behind clothing. Personally, I have given up hiding and just wear what I want, especially when the temperatures near triple digits. You won't find me strutting down the streets in a swim suit, but at the same time, I'm not going to wait to wear shorts, skirts or dresses until I'm some possible ideal future size. In short, I think simply wearing clothes that make me feel good and/or comfortable is the best route, rather than having fear about what someone else might think.

This summer, I'm wearing what I want - public opinion be damned... or at least, that is the plan.

Herbs Aren't Always Good for You

Recently, I watched an episode of Dr. Oz. I'm not really a fan, and have only viewed 3 episodes of the show during its time on television, but I tuned in just as he was getting ready to discuss some weight loss herbs and I couldn't help but watch. Who wouldn't want a miraculous herb to help lose weight - and it's doctor approved - how could I go wrong?

There were two specific pills he talked about that I had interest in: One is 7-keto and the other is forskolin. 7-keto is supposed to improve metabolism which is known to slow down in those over 30 (especially women). It's supposed to stimulate the thyroid to assist with this, thus allowing the metabolism to speed up. Forskolin is a supplement from an herb in the mint family and is supposed to break down fat and increase lean muscle, allowing a person to slim down. Of course, both of these are intended to be used with a proper diet and exercise, but for someone looking for that extra boost, it was certainly worth a try.

Mind you, this is coming doctor recommended so my initial reaction was to rush right out to the store and pick up a bottle of each. As I've discussed before, I'm not a pill taker, but as I've struggled with losing recently, I thought perhaps this could be the answer I'd been seeking. For some reason, I decided to look these two up online and was shocked to discover some of the side effects from these.

For 7-Keto:
"...Sources warn that because 7-Keto does cause an increase in thyroid hormone levels that it may affect bone loss and cause cardiac problems. For women who are prenant or nursing, it is recommended by health authorities not to take 7-Keto until more definitive safety studies have been done."

For Forskolin:
"Side effects for forskolin include headaches, decreased blood pressure and a rapid heart rate due to its vasodilator properties. It does carry a warning by cancer researchers taht it may have a role in causing cyst enlargement in women with polycystic kidney disease. And, that it may cause an increase in the lidlihood of internal bleeding. Medical authorities warn that forskolin should not be taken by patients currently using cardiac medications or blood thinners."

Really? A doctor is recommending these as supplements without providing information about the possible side effects or at minimum warning people to consult their own physician before taking these? I was truly disturbed, to say the least.  Web MD has similar warnings for these two products as well, and although I don't believe everything I read on the internet, it seems there are at least minimal indications that these pills could produce some potentially scary side effects.

Frankly, I'm not taking something that could endanger my life. When I took ephedra years ago, it was supposedly safe as well, and then people started dying. Yes, they were overdosing on the stuff, but the reality is we just don't always know until it's too late the things that cause potential harm.

As for me, I'm steering clear and sticking to what makes me feel good: a balanced diet and regular exercise.

Pausing to Enjoy Accomplishments

As of this morning, I have lost a total of 28 pounds. Not too shabby, considering that for a month and a half of the last 11 weeks I fought with the same 3 pounds. I have a long, long way to go, but for once in my life, I want to stop and appreciate what I have accomplished instead of longing for something more or something different.

I had hoped by this point in the journey to have lost around 35-40 pounds, so one might think that I would be disappointed. On some level I suppose that is true, but I am also incredibly proud of myself for sticking to something, even when the weight loss wasn't happening. I am encouraged that I have been able to stick to "2-a-day" kickboxing workouts twice a week, and still continue to participate in other activities throughout the week as well. I have adjusted when needed, instead of being hard-headed. Honestly, I think I am pretty awesome.

In a few days, I will have been at this for three months. It's a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of life, but I think the short journey thus far is teaching me lessons every single day. I am grateful for the strong body developing under all the layers, and am looking forward to the successes ahead.

OMG - Is it Actually Working?

HOLY SHIT! <--{Please pardon the language}

I think this is actually working.

It's only been a couple of days since I started increasing my caloric intake and I have lost 3 pounds! I have spent the last six weeks struggling with three pounds, so to lose three pounds in two days. You've got to be kidding me? All I had to do was eat more?

Okay, okay. I don't want to get overly excited about something that I just started doing, but you have to imagine my utter glee to lose that amount of weight so quickly while actually eating more food. It seems so counterintuitive, but at the same time, it makes sense. My engine (body) was out of gas. How can I expect it to do all that it's been doing if I don't provide fuel? The answer... it doesn't do all that it's been doing... at least not without consequences, and that is why the engine was clinging desperately to the fuel - because it was afraid to give up the energy for fear that it wouldn't get any more.

Duh.

I am truly not stupid, but I honestly thought I was getting plenty of nourishment. I was wrong. I can admit that fact - I am wrong often - but it seems like such a simple fix and it took me far too long to figure it out. Again, I will wait out the full 2 weeks to see if this is actually what the problem has been, but I am already excited about the results and remain hopeful that if I just feed my body properly, it will cooperate with dropping the excess pounds.

Yippee!

What the Bleep?!

For the last 6 weeks, I have struggled with the same three pounds. Some days, I want to give up - like today. While I am thoroughly enjoying kickboxing and watching my muscles develop through that class, I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I have been eating between 1450-1700 calories a day and going to kickboxing between 3-6 times a week, in addition to riding my bike and going to the gym. There is no reason the weight shouldn't be falling off my body, or at least losing some small amount each week. 

I spent a good portion of yesterday investigating various reasons people don't lose weight. Things like thyroid issues and not properly measuring food were the largest search results, but the one thing that stood out in the search was the possibility of not eating enough food. Could I be eating too little? In a world of people who judge and want to tell overweight individuals they are eating too much, is it possible that I was starving myself? I don't feel hungry. Okay, I get hungry, but then I eat and that takes the hunger away. For the average joe, eating the amount of food I'm eating seems like more than enough, but I thought it might be worth a try to see if it's possible my engine just isn't getting enough fuel. I am burning around 7-8,000 calories a week. Perhaps the scale just needs to be balanced a bit more.

Over the next 1-2 weeks, I am going to test the theory that I need more food. In the back of my mind, I fear that I will suddenly start gaining dramatically, but I figure that in order to see if this is the issue, I have to give my body enough time to respond. I have accepted the possibility that I may gain, but I have to attempt to determine why such a large person isn't dropping at a more steady rate. If I find that I do gain, then I'll try the other direction and drop some calories off... and if that doesn't work {sigh}, well, let's just see where this goes and then I will worry about the potential "what if's" down the road.

Finding Motivation Outside of Weight Loss

In a few days, I will have been on this new journey for two months. Initially, I lost a solid chunk of weight... and then, it slowed down dramatically. This isn't new for me as any time I have tried to lose weight, I lose it incredibly slowly (despite having plenty to lose). I have never quite understood it, but I've just come to accept that this is the way my body works. It should be a good lesson to never allow it back on my body because, despite what many want to believe, I can literally gain several pounds over night. Because it is so easy to focus on the number on the scale, I have attempted to find other things that provide motivation. It hasn't been easy.

Over the last 5 weeks, I've also started a kickboxing class as was discussed here earlier. I am sore constantly because I push myself to go beyond what I currently believe are my limits, but this action, I believe, is helping change this extremely large body into something new. I have muscles in places I never thought I had muscle. I'm getting stronger, and for once in my life I am actually enjoying it. 

Last night I had an opening to work and ran into a cohort who asked, "Have you lost weight?" I couldn't help but smile because while I haven't lost what I should have over the last month, it was nice that someone else noticed my hard work paying off - even if it isn't on the scale.

I have to remind myself that the number on the scale isn't everything. I started this because I wanted to feel better, be stronger, and know that I am living a healthier life for good - not for a temporary fix. While it's easy to say that I just want to be healthy for health's sake, it's difficult to put in so much work (both food and movement -wise) and not see the number drop the way it should. There are plenty of ways to find motivation - from being able to do something I couldn't do before, to simple comments from others, and I just need to remember that I am progressing, even if it isn't at lightening speeds.

Struggling Already?

I have been logging calories and exercise for about a month now (today is actually day 32, as I just calculated), and I have been somewhat consistently losing during that time. A little over two weeks ago, I decided that I had to get back to the gym. Just five years ago I had made a habit of being at the gym 5-6 days a week and in the last year to a year and a half, it all fell apart. What gives? I thought something was a habit if you had done it routinely for a year? 

I know very well what happened - boredom. While many people crave routine and hate change, I am not one of them and if I don't keep things interesting, I have no desire to exercise. I have kept up riding my bike, but I honestly don't count that as exercise, but rather just something I enjoy. A kickboxing class that had been presented to me over a year ago, re-presented itself and I couldn't say no. So, for the last couple of weeks I've been doing that instead of the gym. I am hopeful that it is going to provide motivation for me to get back to the gym, or at least to exercise. While the class is wonderful and tones, strengthens and provides cardiovascular work, I know that the in between days are still going to need something. I can't do that sort of intensity 6 days a week - nor do I want to because it will become dull.

I have realized that while I have a lot of weight to lose and I generally lose it pretty slowly, I am okay with it. Honestly, it hasn't been very slow to this point, and I have absolutely nothing to complain about, so I want to just keep eating so I'm not starving (which I haven't been starving, so no need to start), develop a solid exercise habit (even if it changes now and again to new exercises), and feel better. Yes, I want to lose weight, and yes I want to be healthy - but I have been both overweight and healthy, so the health is far more important to me than the actual pounds. 

As I have told myself in the past, this is not a "diet" in the traditional sense, but a change of habits. I have to eat at least 3 times a day, and I don't know why that seems to be so difficult for me. I suppose when one has developed habits of eating once a day, it just needs to be rearranged. I've done well for the last month eating 3-4 times a day, so I believe it is possible, even with an insanely busy schedule, to make it happen. I have lost about 18 pounds to date - pretty incredible.

I look forward to the changes ahead and seeing my body morph into what I know it can be.